Often, I ponder writing again. Then I consider that I am not who I was when I wrote before… so how to begin?
It came to me finally – where to find my voice, my inner priority.
I have a grandson.
I haven’t posted – I haven’t spoken – much about him
He’s grandpa’s boy, really. They are sweet together, they are. I am so glad that Grandpa Rick has this, this grandpa thing with this grandpa’s boy.
But he’s my grandson. I cannot convey to you the depth of this. This… grandma to a son of my son thing. This stretch of heart across two generations. You don’t know, you can’t fathom what I feel…
We bonded, like his father and I before, he and I. At his early moments, his bonding body stage, the tiny moments… I thank you Sara – I don’t know if you know what it meant to me to have the tiny baby to matronly breast period of bonding, feeling, remembering and knowing that this tiny person was a heart thief, an extension of heart moment that I recalled from decades before… I love that you allowed me this time. How very thoughtful of you.
His dad and I shared that bond. That sameness of feel, that love and connection – that pride. A son. Such a wonderful, proud experience it was to raise my son.
He has heard my pleas. I know I could have done better = and he won’t hear it.
No. You did fine and I’m doing it the same way.
He makes me so proud. My Son. My Sonshine. He is the best of me, the best of his dad. He is a very fine man. You should know him – he is an honor to know and to observe.
He chose a very fine spouse, a corresponding strength. I don’t have relationship skills like I should for caring for women. I have learned habits that need repair, rewiring. I don’t know how to befriend… to trust and care for one of those persons once defined as vile to me, a thing to avoid. A little bit of truth seeping out – those who are abhorrent of women do great damage to their daughters’ relationship skills. Just sayin’.
Granddaughter – I have a granddaughter. One more also as, in my heart, I adopted a sweet young woman in her youth – what a great time I had knowing this sweet and inquisitive beauty! I digress – this granddaughter who is my own – so special and so loved in a new way – this is my heir, my blood, my continuance of a line tossed across the generations by my own grandmother, my mother’s mom. Hated by others for who she was and the life she lived, she… was gone so young. She gave me an idea of my matronage line, German. passed along to me when she faced her short future, as she planned her last years. My identity.
My granddaughter is how I continue that, how I learn how to have a female relationship. Her mother is helping to prep me – thankfully, she is an understanding and nurturing mate for my son. Mother to my granddaughter and my grandson. and a fine spouse, a loved woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt.
My grandson. The reason for this post. I love them both so much, but I have not given the truth. My grandson will hold, for me, a place special in his own right. He is the son of my son, the inheritance. Male continuance. Something I believe strongly.
Grand – ness.