Remembering…


Fear and terror are things not oft encountered in my life.

Crazy patterns of potential fear, yes. Not true fear and terror mixed and felt.

My father died and in the dying, we family fell into our affected parts, with expected and unexpected changes to each day… each moment.

Dysfunction, once an outlier, permeates every life. We all get what we get – damn! I cannot remember what dad told me that his dad said… something like ‘troubles, there’s enough to go around’.

True. Yes.

This was the first true terror and absolutely knowing that I could not help my most prized friend, my husband, my other half… and the sound of the crunch to his facial bones will not easily fade from my unwanted recall.

You see, there is an anger – a rage – a total fucking hatred… and it visited my safe domain last month. It attacked my husband because he stood up to block access… to.me.

Sometimes we can prepare and other times we can only say, oh god, oh fuck, oh my….

FORGIVE ME YHVH, FOR MY FATHERS AND THEIR FATHERS HAVE SINNED AND DONE EVIL AGAINST YOU…

and I accept my punishment. And then hope,

We all owe death. Come as it may.

I hope for less fear and terror.

2 thoughts on “Remembering…”

  1. Wow! Since I just reread your May 27 post on which I commented on July 1, I am wondering if this one is some kind of allegory or something since the May 27 post mentioned your dad. Then this. So, is the man dead or alive?

    The reason I’m asking is that, if this post is factual, I am going through a similar experience right now. My mother is in hospice now and for the last month or so my best friend has been “running interference” for me, between her friends who were hoping she’d recover from Alzheimer’s, a stroke and a fractured vertebra, as I had been at the beginning, and me who is now tasked with telling them what I now know. She will not recover.

    I am certainly experiencing the emotions you describe here.

    Like

    1. Oh, ouch. Yes, the man is dead – died in June. A sudden turn in health, near completely unforeseen although he was in hospice for a terminal disease.
      Another person took this turn badly and injured my husband in an emotional outburst.
      I hope you have support for what you’re going through.
      And yes, I only post facts and feelings.

      Like

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