I wanted to run away.
Still do, but the voices are receding. Still there, whispering… but easier to ignore.
This is away, I say to self. Tucked inside, shelter at home. This is away…
Then the space – the distance my eyes can stretch – closes in on me. My eyes need to ssttrrrrrrrrre……tttccchhhhhh.
I can say it differently, but not well.
I get the desire, an ache and longing for my eyes to see across distance. The reach of view is something base and needy in me.
Not claustrophobia. No. That’s not it. It’s a visual space sighting that takes the mind and soul along, freeing anxieties, calming tension and overriding thought patterns – sending the everyday adrift on a sea of calm.
And so, I’ve redirected. Frantically perusing the real estate posts, I had obsessed on the away of the running. I wanted a space, a place, a seat at a location that would allow my eyes their desire – an owned space, one that I could count on to go for retreat. A place where I could gaze out over a horizon, or toward water, or along a long stretch of trees… It was such a delicious dream. I could nearly catch hold of it, clench my knobby fingers around it.
Dream bubble burst when hubby reminded me “I know you. I know you. You’ll be ‘over it’ in two weeks.”
What? What? Two weeks? Huh??
No. No way.
But I mulled. I stepped back and realized that I was planning in my head and pressing my plans on him. I didn’t notice. My eyes hadn’t been able to stretch outside my needy little vision field.
So I told him the next time it came up, when he said finally that he really just wanted to focus on home, here, now, this space… that’s when the words that had been percolating spilled out. “Yes. We will wait, I agree with you.” And that’s when I stopped the perusal. Cold turkey. I had to – it was addictive.
Now I’m still working on what to do with that time. Past the first stage – no longer top of mind, that search. That’s where the night skies salvaged my angst for escape. The long view. That’s what I needed… and hubby reminded me of that once I listened.
I found that I can get the long view with night skies.
Why not overhead day skies? Likely because the mind cannot fathom past the blue, grey, white…? Who knows.
I think I simply find the view straight up into the night sky more immense, implying great space and vastness and beauty beyond the traverses of my vision.
The pull of the internet is overreaching. Search for answers, quest for options, finger clicks for food and need and want orders, looking perhaps for community or commonality or simply agreement. It’s alluring. And dangerous.
We’ve become a nation, a world of wants. We want much – respect, youth, admiration, plush, adventure, fun, to LIVE. Oh my. We’re such easy targets when driven by the fear we’re fed. The fear of death, of others, of disrespect, of lack, of displeasure, of appearance, of loss, of despair, of settling… The system is powerful, and dependent on us.
It’s hard to be an observer. It’s hard to get caught up in the tide, the sweeping and overarching wave of discord, of division, of want and need and desire and … fear. Who wouldn’t want to run away? Right?
That’s how I felt looking up and to the vastness surrounding the lights and stars and moon.
Okay – confession. Pissy in between. Mad at the inability to discern which lights are natural and which are not. But I digress.
Grounded. I can do similarly when laying under the tree in the warm seasons.
How do a people ground themselves? Unlock the chains of persuasion and simply find that internal calm. Calm that gives assuage to the nagging, gnarling thoughts bred by the divisive words we’ve been fed.
Grounded. Then the need to run will dissipate and we’ll figure out where we are. Right?
I confess. I creep around social media, reacting in my head, sometimes enraged, mostly feeling ever so more disconnected from people I have known over decades… sometimes feeling the need to avoid family. Emotional and passionate claims from all avenues. Staunch defenses of opinions and line in the sand drawn disclaimers for those who do not agree.
Reacting automatically, my fingers are nearly drawn to the keys. No, stop, don’t… this is not the mountain I want to die on, ya know? So I harbor little nigglings of resentment – or simply avoid those with statements that deny others similar rights.
What lies underneath this, the discord, is the run away obsession. We all want to run away from reality – we want to create different realities, we have different needs, wants, feelings – but we’re all in run away mode, addictively pounding those social media keys, those remote control keys, those smartphone keys, looking for more, for inclusion, for agreement, or for a fight.
We need to be grounded. Allow the voices to subside. Reach deeply for calm.
Shabbat shalom all. I hope you find your calm.